


struggling to exist with you and without you

by JulianAlbertsCat (AdhdBarryAllen)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Hurt and Not Enough Comfort, Multi, Pining, Regret, Season 3, damn those two tags describe exactly how i felt about season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdhdBarryAllen/pseuds/JulianAlbertsCat
Summary: Barry and Iris are getting married and Cisco can't help but feel left behind.





	struggling to exist with you and without you

**Author's Note:**

> takes place like.. right after the proposal in season 3 or something idk  
> i don't even remember writing this but i just found it and its making me cry rip  
> not beta'd.. i know there's errors so forgive me

Iris held up the ring. Caitlin and Jesse gasped. Cisco only felt _sick_.

His eyes widened, heart suddenly racing like it was running the last lap in a mile.

They were getting _married_.

Cisco fled.

He mumbled something about getting his stuff from the other room, but as soon as he was out of the cortex, he _ran._ He ran and he ran and he ran until he reached the pipeline, sinking to the floor. His face was buried in his hands, trying to hold back the sobs wracking his body.

Cisco was happy for them. He _was_. Iris and Barry seemed more in love than ever. But seeing that ring on her finger… it brought out a pain he didn't know he was feeling. A _sadness_.

He would never have that with them.

Cisco was never one to feel jealous of his exes. Things hasn't worked out between the three of them. They had ended it amicably; it hurt, but it was for the best. It was hard to be in a relationship with three people who were constantly putting themselves in danger. And on top of that, Cisco couldn't help but fear that Barry would always pick Iris over him. It was Cisco’s own insecurities that lead him to break things off with Barry and Iris, and now his past fears were coming true. They were going to have a happy life together. They'd get married, have a few kids, and live long, happy lives. All without him.

And that hurt like _hell_.

He exhales heavily, running a heavy hand through his hair. Barry wanted Cisco to be his _best man._ He was going to have to watch as the two people he loved more than anything got married to _each other._

Tears wouldn't solve anything, he knew. But what else could be do but cry?

He missed them so much. Suddenly, every ounce of pain and regret he had pushed down was coming back at full force. He should have _stayed_ , he should have made it work. And to think about how he must have _hurt_ them, breaking things off without a single explanation as to why. If he had told them how he was feeling, his fears of never being good enough, maybe they would have convinced him to stay.

There were too many what-if’s, and they were swallowing him whole.

Familiar footsteps approached. How had he been found so quickly?

Barry sat down next to him, leaning against his side like a greyhound. “There you are,” he said, flashing Cisco a small smile. It was probably fake. “Everything okay?”

He wasn't okay. _Nothing_ was okay. He wasn't okay he wasn't okay he wasn't—

“Everything's fine. I'm fine.” Cisco’s voice wavered ever so slightly.

Barry gave him a glance, clearly not believing him but with no idea how to help. He pulled Cisco into his arms, allowing him to sob against his chest. Neither said a word.

“I'm sorry,” Barry whispered into Cisco's hair. He truly had no idea how this would hurt his best friend, ex boyfriend, _Cisco_. _He_ was the fool here.

“Me too,” Cisco answered, voice muffled by Barry's sweater. Time ticked by so slowly as they held each other in silence.

Heels clicked their way to the entrance of the pipeline _— Iris_. She slid down to the floor, running her hands through Cisco’s hair. Just like she used to before.

Cisco exhaled shakily. “ _Congratulations_.”

“Cisco, you don't have to pretend you're okay,” Iris responded. She was so kind, _too_ kind. Why had he ever ended things?

It all came bubbling out of him like a river during flood season. “I miss us. I miss lying in bed with you two and doing nothing, I miss going on dates and seeing the confused glances from the waiters, I miss walking hand and hand with you on the weekends. I miss _all_ of it. But it's too late now. You're getting married and we'll never have that again.”

Iris wanted nothing more than to kiss away his tears, to tell him it _wasn't_ too late, but was that really the truth? Whatever they'd had between them had faded long ago.

Regret was a cruel thing. Barry and Iris attempting to comfort him only made things worse. He didn’t _want_ them to feel guilty. He wanted them to be happy. But it seemed their happiness came at Cisco’s expense.

“You don’t have to be my best man, you know,” Barry told him.

“No, I… I should. I _want_ to.”

Barry nodded slightly.

Cisco wanted to kiss him. He wanted to feel those lips that he once mapped for hours against his own. He wanted to feel Iris’s lips trailing down his neck, leaving behind the faint marks of her lipstick. But he _couldn’t_. He couldn’t he couldn’t he couldn’t because that would only make things more complicated.

 _I made a mistake. I never should have left. I should have told you how I was feeling. I want this back_.

Everything he wanted to say was on the tip of his tongue, but he would never say it. They didn’t need that baggage. They had moved on. It wasn’t their concern if he hadn’t.

“I think I need to be alone,” he said. He was so quiet, Barry and Iris almost didn’t hear him.

“If that’s what you want,” Barry said, rubbing his shoulder gently. Cisco wished they would _stop touching him_. It only made him think of what he couldn’t have. Iris flashed him her sad smile and the two of them walked hand in hand out of the pipeline.

Cisco was all by himself once more.

This was what he’d asked for when they broke up. He’d doomed himself to this, and now his regrets had come back to haunt him. He would be Barry’s best man. He’d give a speech at the wedding, tell the story of how he’d never met two people more perfect for each other. Cisco would raise a glass to Iris, looking heavenly in her wedding gown, all while wishing he was the one marrying them.

Barry and Iris were a fairy tale that Cisco wasn’t a part of. Cisco was the outsider. At least he could be grateful that for a part of time, they allowed him to be part of the story. Barry and Iris had their happy ending in reach. The rest was just sadness.

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics come from bishops knife trick by fall out boy, which is such a fuckin banger


End file.
